Consumer's Reports on Selecting Girlfriend

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially.  So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one.  This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider.  Do you want an intellectual companion?  A baby factory?   A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend.  This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.  On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited.  Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.  Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age        Used or New
-----------       ---------------
1-12 years       (see note A)
13-16 years     New
17-21 years     Used, but not used up
22-35 years     Used heavily
35-60 years     New (see note B)
60+                   (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year.  Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account.  Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.  Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability to run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a long legs) must be factory installed. Still others (such as large bosom) can be upgraded.

The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!").  CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better."   Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.  The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far?  Examine the detailing.   Does the bosom sag?  Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option.  Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population.  All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.  Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

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